Reuniting After Separation

It's a scary and shaky time. You and your spouse have decided to give it another try after being separated. It's exciting to know that you've worked through some issues and renewed your commitment, but you know you still have work to do. Here are some tips to help you make the most of your second chance.

• Be honest about your feelings - Don't let things bottle up inside just to keep peace. You likely know what the hot button issues will be, you've probably dealt with all of them before. Make a commitment to your self and your spouse to deal with each issue openly and honestly about your feelings as soon as you have them, so that you don't let resentment build.
• Fight fair - Don't resort to name calling, cursing or belittling your spouse, no matter what. And, don't take that sort of treatment from your partner, either. Commit to each other that you will always treat each other with enough respect to stick to the issues when you fight, and not make statements about character.
• Protect your children - Your children were hurt by your separation, and will be thrilled that you're back together. However, they're emotionally fragile, and part of them is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be honest with them but protect them from further hurt as best you can. Make a commitment not to play revolving door - either you're living together or you're not. Children can cope with a civilized divorce much better than a volatile home life with two parents.
• Don't fight in front of your children - Keep your private matters private. Children are frightened by fighting, and the subject matter is nothing they need to be involved in. No matter how angry you are, wait to talk about your issues until you can do away from your children.
• Put your issues on paper - If you haven't already, sit down with your partner and write down the reasons you separated. Then write down the concrete steps you will each be taking to correct those problems. Review the list together periodically to ensure that you are both keeping your promises, and that the issues are not creeping up again.
• Get professional help - Marriage counseling can work wonders; if you don't already have one, get one. Talking with someone who is objective can put many things in perspective in addition to giving both of you the opportunity to vent.
• Have some fun - Be sure to include some fun and private time in your lives. Sometimes, when we've had problems, we spend all our energy focusing on those problems and their resolutions. But, one of the most important things you can do to get your marriage back on track is to rediscover why you got married in the first place. Take time to enjoy each other's company by going out and enjoying activities that you pursued together during happy times.

All marriages take work. Couples who reunite after a separation can expect an extra measure of work and attention for a period of time. Show your commitment to your spouse and your marriage by being willing to put in that extra measure of work for a while, and by vowing never to let your relationship take a back seat in the future. Many couples report that after separation their marriages grow stronger than ever because they realize that they were close to losing something very precious. With some commitment, respect and hard work, you can overcome the issues in your marriage and emerge a happy and thriving couple.