Infidelity - Are They in Love or Just Friends

Do you have a spouse that has a "friend"; someone he or she swears is just that, a friend? Many times, a spouse in an affair will use this plea "We're only friends". While it is possible the friend is nothing more than that, the other possibility is that the friend is having an affair with your spouse. Usually, you would notice your spouse spending time with this friend and you would have that gut feeling that something is just not quite right.

If you have a spouse in this situation, you can observe several things to help you determine if the friend is a friend or more. First, if you find that your husband or wife is giving 100% in the friendship and even going as far as ignoring family obligations, then it appears he or she is not capable of drawing the line. In this case, your spouse has a lack of personal balance, which could be an indicator of an affair.

It could be that your spouse is having an emotional affair with this "friend" more than a physical affair. In other words, your spouse enjoys the mental and emotional intimacy and is not necessarily interested in becoming physical. Although this type of relationship is not consummated, it is still a violation of the marriage. Then, there is always the possibility that the mental and emotional closeness would grow into something physical.

Unfortunately, many times what happens is that an emotional affair with a "friend" will develop into something far more serious. However, even if this type of affair never ventures into the physical realm, knowing your spouse is connecting emotionally with another person of the opposite sex is violation enough. In fact, if you were to ask women, many would say having a husband who is emotionally attached to another female is worse than if the two of them were sleeping together. On the other end, men generally find the physical connection to be worse.

Most often, the man or woman who turns to another person for emotional and mental fulfillment is looking for excitement. To this spouse, life at home has become boring, unchallenging, and a bit of a bore. In this case, the spouse is looking for that burst of drama, the intensity that is lacking in the marriage. The good news about this is that if there is something lacking in the marriage, it can usually be corrected, thus reeling the spouse back in.

You will also find that spouses in a "friendship" situation feel they are not appreciated in the marriage. For instance, the wife may not feel her husband is complimenting her enough, showing her enough affection, or wining and dining her. For the husband who seeks out a "friend", he may not feel appreciated, supported, or perhaps there is a lack of physical contact with his wife. Although the friendship may not turn physical, the spouse is still trying to find the missing link in the marriage.

Most often, the "friendship" type of affair happens when the marriage reaches a quiet time. We have all heard of the "seven-year itch", which is supposedly a time when things seem to slow down, a lull if you will. This would be a prime example of when a spouse would turn to a friend of the opposite sex to spice things up without becoming physical, at least at first. In addition, this type of affair will sometimes occur at a time when the children are most active, meaning more responsibility on the parent, when bills reach an all-time high, or when romance between spouses has faded.

Keep in mind that the differences between a physical affair and an emotional affair with a "friend" are very subtle. However, if you notice that your spouse is spending more time at work with this person, has phone conversations from home with laughter, emails each other, or starts taking trips or going on business meetings together, you need to stop and take stock of your relationship. Remember, just because your spouse is having an emotional affair does not mean the marriage is over. All it means is that the two of you need to identify the things missing in your relationship.

Sometimes, spouses can work on issues alone, ending up with a much stronger and happier marriage. However, if the spouse having the emotional affair is not even aware of his or her actions and the ramifications on the marriage, then professional counseling may be required. If you notice this happening, talk to your spouse to help you determine if professional intervention is required.

Remember, this is not the end of the marriage, just another challenge among many. Therefore, try not to accuse your spouse of doing anything wrong, simply point out that the friendship is pulling his or her time away from the family. With that, you should be able to open up dialog to discuss the issue and come to an agreement on resolution.