Fair Fighting

Every couple fights. Some couples fight a lot, and others reserve fights only for very important or very emotional issues. Whether or not your fights with your spouse help you resolve issues or erode the strength of your relationship has a lot to do with how you fight with each other. If you can show your spouse respect and fight fair, you can make marital discussion a way to solve and prevent problems without damaging your relationship.

• Don't fight in front of your children - Keep your fights private. Your children will be frightened by your fights, and could be emotionally scarred from witnessing your battles. Keep your emotions in check until you can talk privately.
• Don't call names or verbally abuse your partner - Don't resort attacking your partner as a human being. It shows a serious lack of respect for them and erodes your overall relationship.
• Stick to the issues at hand - Don't bring up old arguments or grudges that have nothing to do with what you're arguing about right now. Not only will it take the focus off the real issue, but it proves that you haven't moved on from the last fight, which is unfair, and damaging to your relationship.
• Keep it verbal - It's never ok to make your fight physical, no matter how angry you might be. If you become so angry that you think you might strike your spouse, walk away. Come back when you are calm enough to talk about the issue more calmly.
• Know your goal - Don't fight just to fight. Go into the discussion knowing what you want to see as the outcome. You may not get exactly what you want, so be prepared to negotiate, but if you don't know how you would like for the issue to be resolved, you'll never feel like you accomplished anything.
• Talk about the real problem - Don't just discuss the symptoms of a problem - get to the root. For example, if you're angry because your husband just bought a very expensive "toy" for himself, decide if you're really angry about that particular purchase or his spending habits in general.
• Don't blow it out of proportion - Not every issue needs to end in a fight. Decide how important the issue is to you, and use that to gauge how you react to it. Keep the heavy and serious discussions confined to really important issues, and discuss smaller issues less intensely.
• Know when to back down - When your spouse gives you signs that they're ready to make peace, don't ignore it, or gloat like you've won a battle. Find a way to talk it out calmly and come to an agreement that doesn't leave either of you feeling frustrated, hurt or angry.
• Know when it's over - Don't hold a grudge. In order for your relationship to grow and thrive, you have to settle issues and then move on. Make a commitment to yourself to get past the issue in your own mind and not to bring the issue up again once it's settled.

Fighting doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is in danger. Many couples thrive on a little drama, and find the most benefit in working out their differences verbally, and then making up. It's the way we handle working out these problems that makes the difference between fights that solve problems and fights that hurt feelings and cause resentment. Learning to have boundaries when you fight, and to treat your spouse with the respect he or she deserves even when you're angry will help you maintain a healthy and loving marriage.